Breakfast TV is a tough nut to crack. You're on at a time when the potential viewers are barely awake, rarely functioning to the best of their abilities, and if it's a house with Kids in, everyone is frantically trying to eat Coco Pops, put their socks on and finish their homework in time for the School Run. Our house in the morning is chaotic, fractious and full of cats. I should imagine it's the same over at Ann Widdecombe's gaff.
In my house, Mrs D insists on having ITV on in the 25 minutes or so she has before leaving for work. Her reasoning for this is that The BBC offering is too dull and "newsy" and she cannot abide being subjected to Nickolodeon/ CBeebies or any of the kids' stuff that my children are attempting to sneak on to the telly. So she pursued a hardline on this for months with all of us. As arguing with Mrs D first thing in the morning is about as productive and healthy as sharpening knives with your tongue, the rest of us fell in line without complaint or backbone.
This meant that we were regularly made to suffer the stultifying blandness of GMTV for bloody months. Day after day after day of the same pastel nonsense slowly began to eat into my soul. And any time Dr. Hilary Jones came on, the whole house was enveloped in a choking cloud of smugness.
I was actually quite pleased when I found out that it was all being put in the dumper and a new show. Daybreak,was taking over, to be hosted by the admirably grumpy Adrian Chiles and his toothy sidekick, Christine Bleakley. My mild happiness was mainly down to the fact that I knew I'd never have to wake up to Andrew Castle ever again.
It's been well documented and commented upon over the last six months or so, that Daybreak has not lived up to the hopes and ambitions of all involved, especially the audience, After watching the first week or so, purely out of morbid curiosity, I myself, have avoided most of it, by doing Useful Things between 7.15 - and 8.15, then getting rid of it as soon as Mrs D has done one to work.
Today though, I woke stupidly early and having done all my Useful Things by 7.30, I ended up watching some of it. I know it was weak of me, I know it was hypocritical, I know I shouldn't have done it...but I did. What surprised me the most was the fact that even after having had so long to "bed in" (in other words, work out what works, and bin what doesn't), it's still bloody awful.
Christine is on her hols, so Adrian had Kate Garroway with him - quite why she avoided the Stalinesque purging of all things GMTV, is beyond me. Her insights are still as dull and opaque as they ever were. Adrian still looks like he wants to have a really nasty poo all the time, and seems quietly resigned to his fate of death by a thousand lost viewers every second.. There was a feature on Wills and Kate in Canada, which was so toadying and greasy, that it made James Whittaker seem positively Republican in comparison. Worst of all, it had Peter Andre not just being interviewed, but singing "live". In most cases, I would usually applaud any artist performing live, but not "our Pete". His constipated cod-Jacko warbling made my teeth itch, and two of our cats ran off in fear. Kate Garrulous actually introduced him by saying "We all love him!". Even my 11 year old daughter spat out her Coco Pops when she said that. "I don't love him." she muttered. "He's well rubbish". At that moment, I loved her even more than I did when she told me some years back that "Westlife sound like puke".
I vaguely saw a trail for Lorraine coming on later, but thankfully, three hours later, that memory has already faded. All I grasped was that she's still there doing the same as she always has (smiling a lot, interviewing people off the telly, smiling a lot, passing on information about how to dress your kids for a fiver and smiling a lot). I suspect she's the only part of the show that has retained any of the old GMTV viewers. The rest are in care homes, in comas or watching re-runs of Frazier under the misapprehension that it's a behind-the-scenes documentary series about a Radio DJ.
The only breakfast TV show that ever really got the format right, was The Big Breakfast on Channel Four. It understood that anyone who wanted news would be listening to the Radio or watching BBC One, so it didn't even try to do any serious analysis of current affairs issues beyond the headlines, which at that time of the morning, are all most people need. It knew that most viewers were around for maybe 20 to 30 minutes at best, and it absolutely pelted through items at speed, so you were only ever three minutes away from the next bit. And it also knew that the biggest favour you can do for anyone who's just woken up, is to make them laugh. That's a hard trick to pull off at that time of the morning, but if you do it, you're truly going to be loved. Which is why, first thing of a morning, I often stand at the end of the bed, dressed in clown shoes and a tutu.
Daybreak doesn't do any of those things (though Clown Shoes may be coming soon for Adrian). Stuff goes on too long, the topics are positively beige, and it's completely lacking in actual opinion or insight. I'd rather watch Dora The Explorer as I may actually learn something, even if it is only the Spanish word for "mountain".
I would give it a score, but I don't see any point as it would probably add up to less than 4. And that would only be down to the fact that it doesn't have Andrew Castle on it.
Monday, 27 June 2011
GLASTONBURY - All Over the BBC Last Weekend.
I have a strict policy of never watching anything on TV that might involve Fearne Cotton or Chris Moyles in any way. As I knew The Cotton-Beast would be helming some of it, and that Moyles might pop up at any time, like an unwelcome fart in a confessional box, I didn't watch any of it. Whilst this is not necessarily good for a blog, it's excellent for my spiritual well-being.
I also usually find TV coverage of live music events strangely unpleasant. True, it's better than being in the throng, being crushed by thousands of sweaty, pissed-up punters, there's very little mud invoved and you get a great view of the band, but it rarely works for me. Much like porn, you get a close-up view of what's happening, but you don't get any of the experience. And much like porn, when it's finished, you usually feel a bit tired and cheated.
I'm told Pulp were ace, U2 were dull and Coldplay were quite good. If you want more detail, go and read Alexis Petridis' article in today's Guardian which is very informative and well put-together (the opposite of Fearne Cotton, in fact).
No Rating as I didn't watch it. But you already know that.
I also usually find TV coverage of live music events strangely unpleasant. True, it's better than being in the throng, being crushed by thousands of sweaty, pissed-up punters, there's very little mud invoved and you get a great view of the band, but it rarely works for me. Much like porn, you get a close-up view of what's happening, but you don't get any of the experience. And much like porn, when it's finished, you usually feel a bit tired and cheated.
I'm told Pulp were ace, U2 were dull and Coldplay were quite good. If you want more detail, go and read Alexis Petridis' article in today's Guardian which is very informative and well put-together (the opposite of Fearne Cotton, in fact).
No Rating as I didn't watch it. But you already know that.
Monday, 20 June 2011
APOCALYPSE NOW COLLECTOR'S EDITION - OPTIMUM/STUDIO CANAL BLU-RAY
I was 17 years old when this film came out originally and I trolled off to see it at the ABC Cinema on Deansgate in Manchester. It's not there now, of course. It's now a Wetherspoons, inhabited by lots of people eating defrosted fish and chips with a pint of watery lager for a Fiver. I'd have quite liked it back in 1979, if you could have got lager with Fish and Chips whilst you watched the film, but that's now only possible if you live near Portobello Road in London where there is a very posh cinema that does that kind of thing for those who don't mind paying £17 quid for Line-Caught Cod with Chunky Artisan Chips with a free-range Belgian aromatic lager.(Prices and menu description not necessarily accurate).
For lots of men my age, Apocalypse Now is a special film. Lots of us like to re-enact Robert Duvall's "Napalm in the morning" speech, whilst emptying litter trays or squeezing more paraffin onto the barbecue at a weekend. Some of us bought the soundtrack album many years back, which mixed music, dialogue and sound effects way before Quentin Tarantino did it on his Reservoir Dogs soundtrack. This album would then be played very loudly, very late at night in Halls of Residence across the land, often making hordes of students run out in panic when the helicopters could be heard.
I am not about to review the film itself here as you probably know what it's about anyway, and if not, other people have done that numerous times already, so go and read what they wrote. What you need to know is if it's worth shelling out for this blu-ray or not, seeing as you probably have it at least once on some format already. (I have two dvds and a VHS tape of it myself).
The answer's a big YES. It's been all smartened up and looks cleaner than Pippa Middleton's security check. It's got shed loads of extras, some of which you may have already on afore-mentioned formats, but there are lots more besides. There's a lovely chat between Coppola and Martin Sheen which is both honest and affectionate. There's also the even-bloody-longer "Redux" version of the film which lasts for about two days and should come with a big cushion to rest on (although it does have a very funny bit not in the theatrical version, just after they get away from Colonel Kilgore). And tons of technical stuff, commentaries, postcards, missing bits and general film-spod stuff which I loved. I hate having to buy the same thing repeatedly, but this is that rare occasion when it's worth buying it again.
Best of all, it's got the "Hearts of Darkness" documentary which hasn't been available ever on DVD, pieced together from footage taken during the making of the movie, by the ever-patient Mrs Eleanor Coppola, who comes across as being very nice even if she did secretly tape some of her husband's phone conversations secretly and then stick them in the film. Even Rooney's hookers or the various members of the Giggs Love Triangle didn't do that.
I thought it was well worth the £18 I paid for it at Asda and it's meant the other versions are now on EBay, which may mean it only ends up costing me about 6 quid. Bargain.
If you already love this film and only have a basic version on DVD or VHS, then it's a must buy. And even if you have the Redux version already, you still will want this. And if you've never seen it or owned it, then do what you have to do to get this version. Sell one of your smaller organs or an unloved pet, if you must.
MRS D'S VERDICT: She hadn't ever seen it before and wasn't especially looking forward to watching it as war films generally make her pull out her own fingernails. But she really liked it, stayed awake for all of it and also asked what else the big fat bloke at the end had been in. Good result.
SUMMARY:
For best mixture of war stuff and philosophy in a war film - 5 out of 5
For best ever real life breakdown on a camera by an actor (Martin Sheen) - 5 out of 5
For most genuinely whacked-out-of-his-gourd performance ever
by Dennis Hopper (and that's saying something) - 5 out of 5
For making a film that's still good over 32 years later - 5 out of 5.
TOTAL SOFA RATING: 20. (Top marks. Very rare.)
For lots of men my age, Apocalypse Now is a special film. Lots of us like to re-enact Robert Duvall's "Napalm in the morning" speech, whilst emptying litter trays or squeezing more paraffin onto the barbecue at a weekend. Some of us bought the soundtrack album many years back, which mixed music, dialogue and sound effects way before Quentin Tarantino did it on his Reservoir Dogs soundtrack. This album would then be played very loudly, very late at night in Halls of Residence across the land, often making hordes of students run out in panic when the helicopters could be heard.
I am not about to review the film itself here as you probably know what it's about anyway, and if not, other people have done that numerous times already, so go and read what they wrote. What you need to know is if it's worth shelling out for this blu-ray or not, seeing as you probably have it at least once on some format already. (I have two dvds and a VHS tape of it myself).
The answer's a big YES. It's been all smartened up and looks cleaner than Pippa Middleton's security check. It's got shed loads of extras, some of which you may have already on afore-mentioned formats, but there are lots more besides. There's a lovely chat between Coppola and Martin Sheen which is both honest and affectionate. There's also the even-bloody-longer "Redux" version of the film which lasts for about two days and should come with a big cushion to rest on (although it does have a very funny bit not in the theatrical version, just after they get away from Colonel Kilgore). And tons of technical stuff, commentaries, postcards, missing bits and general film-spod stuff which I loved. I hate having to buy the same thing repeatedly, but this is that rare occasion when it's worth buying it again.
Best of all, it's got the "Hearts of Darkness" documentary which hasn't been available ever on DVD, pieced together from footage taken during the making of the movie, by the ever-patient Mrs Eleanor Coppola, who comes across as being very nice even if she did secretly tape some of her husband's phone conversations secretly and then stick them in the film. Even Rooney's hookers or the various members of the Giggs Love Triangle didn't do that.
I thought it was well worth the £18 I paid for it at Asda and it's meant the other versions are now on EBay, which may mean it only ends up costing me about 6 quid. Bargain.
If you already love this film and only have a basic version on DVD or VHS, then it's a must buy. And even if you have the Redux version already, you still will want this. And if you've never seen it or owned it, then do what you have to do to get this version. Sell one of your smaller organs or an unloved pet, if you must.
MRS D'S VERDICT: She hadn't ever seen it before and wasn't especially looking forward to watching it as war films generally make her pull out her own fingernails. But she really liked it, stayed awake for all of it and also asked what else the big fat bloke at the end had been in. Good result.
SUMMARY:
For best mixture of war stuff and philosophy in a war film - 5 out of 5
For best ever real life breakdown on a camera by an actor (Martin Sheen) - 5 out of 5
For most genuinely whacked-out-of-his-gourd performance ever
by Dennis Hopper (and that's saying something) - 5 out of 5
For making a film that's still good over 32 years later - 5 out of 5.
TOTAL SOFA RATING: 20. (Top marks. Very rare.)
The Blurb.
I'm suppose to hook you in here with a snappy, cutting intro all about me and the blog and all that.
However, as I'm not a professional writer, I can't do that, nor can I afford to employ one of those spods who do that kind of thing whilst working from home in stained pyjamas.
All you really need to know is that I'm going to talk about things I watch on the telly. Might be a film, a reality show, some kids TV, maybe a blu-ray or one of Hooky Steve's "special" DVDs that he gets down the Crown and Cushion on a Friday night off a woman with a Somerfield carrier bag.
Occasionally, I will be accompanied by the lovely Mrs D., though she doesn't yet know that.
I'll do my best to be fair, honest and truthful about it all. This may make some people unhappy.
First review soon. It's going to be of the new Blu-Ray edition of Apocalypse Now, so if you know any aging men over 40, who don't like MP3s and who possibly have a Neil Young album or two, you may want to let them know.
However, as I'm not a professional writer, I can't do that, nor can I afford to employ one of those spods who do that kind of thing whilst working from home in stained pyjamas.
All you really need to know is that I'm going to talk about things I watch on the telly. Might be a film, a reality show, some kids TV, maybe a blu-ray or one of Hooky Steve's "special" DVDs that he gets down the Crown and Cushion on a Friday night off a woman with a Somerfield carrier bag.
Occasionally, I will be accompanied by the lovely Mrs D., though she doesn't yet know that.
I'll do my best to be fair, honest and truthful about it all. This may make some people unhappy.
First review soon. It's going to be of the new Blu-Ray edition of Apocalypse Now, so if you know any aging men over 40, who don't like MP3s and who possibly have a Neil Young album or two, you may want to let them know.
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